In order to gain a better understanding of what it’s like to be bereaved youngster, we invited a student with state school experience to comment on her first-hand experiences and recommendations.

“In the UK, every 22 minutes someone under the age of 18 loses a parent according to Child Bereavement UK.

This statistic is incredibly high, and I think that it is important for everyone to understand how to support a child who is in need of help.  Grief is not something anyone should face alone, especially not a child.

I am one of those children who has lost a parent, except I have lost both. I am currently 17 years old and I am here to share a little bit about me and my story.

I lost my mum on the 9^th November 2015 to breast cancer and it was a massive shock to everyone in my family. Even though we were aware my mum was severely unwell, I do not think any of us thought it would get to the stage of her passing away.

The day after I lost my mum, I went into school.  At the time, my dad and I were completely unaware of the support that my school could give me. This could potentially have been because I was young – only two months into year 7, or the fact that it was not made clear by the school that I could be supported, or that there wasn’t that much support available at the time.

One child in every UK classroom will experience the death of someone close by the time they reach 16 years old, according to Grief Encounter.

I specifically remember the feeling of being isolated as the news began to pass through my year group. I would walk through the corridors feeling as though everyone was staring at me. No one said a word, they just looked. I think the problem was that no one knew how to react, no one knew what to say and no one knew how to support me.

I was just left to get on with life. Honestly, looking back, it was a daily struggle.

Everyday seemed to get easier for me to cope with and then, after about a year or so, I found myself in a great place. I didn’t have any outside support but I had the best group of friends; I gained confidence and grew closer to my family. Life was amazing and I am so grateful for everything I did.

However, October 2018 came around and life started to go downhill, yet again.

My dad started getting more and more sick, he began to get weaker every day and that was painful to watch. My dad was ill for a very long time – 12 years to be exact – but It had never seemed to faze him until 2018. I remember that he was constantly in and out of hospital, meeting with his consultant and nurses. He started chemotherapy and from there, he deteriorated.

In January of 2019, dad was given a year to live.  I was unaware of this at the time as I think that my dad wanted to protect me from this information. On Friday the 8^th of November, my brother and I were taken home from school and sent to the hospital where we were told it would be a matter of days until he passed. He passed away on the following Tuesday.

After then, my life was a blur.

I did not return to school until the Friday.  At school I met my Head of House at the gate and we went inside for a chat about the things that could be done to support me. I was very grateful for this.  I was given a “time out pass” which meant I could leave any of my lessons at any time if I felt overwhelmed. For me, this was amazing because I felt no pressure to remain in my lessons unfocused and upset. Instead of attending my first lesson, I went to Focus which was an area in school specifically for supporting students who were having a difficult time. It was so amazing to have this because it gave me the chance to speak about my feelings freely. All my friends came into Focus the following week to discuss what they could do to help me get through this. I was in year 11 at the time so I was working exceptionally hard towards my GCSEs. If I had not received this support, I guarantee I would not have been able to sit my exams or come away with the grades I wanted.

Personally, I think it is difficult to understand how someone would like to be treated in a time like this. Everyone is so different and needs various types of support. I think the best way to do this is just a simple, quick conversation with the person who is going through grief – how can I/we help you?

I believe that it is equally as important to be supported in school as it is to be at home.

Even if you just approach the person and tell them that you are there for them, it can still help. You do not need to message them every day asking, ‘Are you okay?’ because the likelihood is that they are not. Simply letting them know you are thinking about them shows them that you care. If you are in doubt about how to treat them, just ask. This way you will avoid potentially making them upset. It will be the hardest thing they will have to go through but as long as they’re surrounded by the right people, they will get through it.

If you are one of those children who has lost a parent, just know that you are not alone. I had private counselling before I recently started college.  The charity currently supporting me is Balloons, Exeter which seem to be brilliant so far. A grief support worker comes to my college and meets with me every Friday. I love the fact that they can help me during college during my breaks. There are many amazing charities in the UK that can help but many have long waiting lists or offer help depending on where you live, so I feel very lucky to have grief support actually during college.

In my experience you will have good and bad days.  Sometimes, you may feel overwhelmed and as though life is not worth living but trust me it is! So many great things will come your way. Horrible times like these do not make you weak, they make you strong.

It has now been a year and I have grown as a person and I am so proud of who I am turning out to be. It hasn’t been the easiest journey, but I am getting there. Not a day goes by that I do not think about my parents, but I am slowly learning how to cope with grief.

Grief is an outpouring of love.  It is important to grieve and know how to support young people in different ways.”

Safe-guarding.co is very grateful to this young student for bravely sharing experiences and recommendations for this blog.

Useful Resources for Bereaved Teens:

If you feel like grief and sadness is interfering with daily life, talking to a GP may help, they can suggest some options to offer more support, or may refer to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) or bereavement counselling.

Grief is a process and the need for support or counselling can come at any time. This is why it doesn’t matter if it’s a short or long time after your loss, you should ask for support whenever you think you need it.  Please see the below links for additional resources:

Winston’s Wish

Hope Again

Grief Encounter

Marie Curie

Young Minds

Childline

Samaritans

About Safe-guarding.co:

For more information on how to support schools/ colleges and resources to develop staff knowledge of safeguarding in learning environments, please contact us.

With the ongoing concerns about the spread of the Coronavirus (aka COVID-19) we have changed the way we work to ensure that we continue to deliver high quality safeguarding training courses.  Our ethos of “Doing the Right things to Do things Right” is being achieved via our distance learning courses and we offer video conferencing, interactive training and blended learning on a wide range of Safeguarding topics.  To find out more about the services and training courses delivered please visit our services >>  or contact us >>

1 in 5 children between the ages of 10 to 15 have experienced some form of online bullying in the year to March 2020.  The Crime Survey for England and Wales data was collected before the coronavirus pandemic and so children’s isolation at home and increased time spent on the internet is likely to have had a substantial impact on the split between real world and cyber bullying.

Shockingly, more than half (52%) of those children who experienced online bullying behaviours said they would not describe these behaviours as bullying, and one in four (26%) did not report their experiences to anyone. 

There is no legal definition of bullying, but it is often described as behaviour that hurts someone else, physically or emotionally, and can happen anywhere – at school, at home or online.  In fact, nearly three out of four children (72%) who had experienced an online bullying behaviour experienced at least some of it at school or during school time (CSEW).

The scary thing about online or “cyber bullying” is that greater use of smartphones, social media, gaming and online networking applications means online bullying can follow a child anywhere they go. 

For many young people, the issue of bullying is seen as something that they have to deal with themselves. They feel adults are not going to take them seriously and will most likely make things worse. However, we know that bullying has enduring impact on children right through to their adult life and should be taken as seriously as other allegations of abuse or neglect.

Cyber bullying takes place over digital devices like mobile phones, computers, and tablets and it can occur through SMS, Text, and apps, or online in social media, forums, or gaming where people can view, participate in, or share content.  Cyber bullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else.  It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation.  Some cyber bullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behaviour.

The most common places where cyber bullying occurs are:

• Social Media, such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Tik Tok
• Text messaging and messaging apps on mobile or tablet devices
• Instant messaging, direct messaging, and online chatting over the internet
• Online forums, chat rooms, and message boards, such as Reddit
• Email
• Online gaming communities

Cyber bullying has unique concerns in that it can be:

Persistent – Digital devices offer an ability to immediately and continuously communicate 24 hours a day, so it can be difficult for children experiencing cyber bullying to find relief.

Permanent – Most information communicated electronically is permanent and public, if not reported and removed. A negative online reputation, including for those who bully, can impact school, employment, and other areas of life.

Hard to Notice – Because teachers and parents may not overhear or see cyber bullying taking place, it is harder to recognize.

Cyber bullying can have a huge impact of a person’s mental health and wellbeing, it can range from exclusionary tactics or treating the child as invisible.  Being called names, sworn at or insulted and having nasty messages about them sent to them were the two most common online bullying behaviour types, experienced by 10% of all children aged 10 to 15 years in the CSEW.

Some of the signs to look for regarding cyber bullying include:

• Noticeable increases or decreases in device use, including texting.
• A child exhibits emotional responses (laughter, anger, upset) to what is happening on their device.
• The child may seem more anxious after receiving a text or social media posts.
• A child hides their screen or device when others are near, and avoids discussion about what they are doing on their device.
• Social media accounts are shut down or new ones appear.
• A child starts to avoid social situations, even those that were enjoyed in the past.
• A child becomes withdrawn or depressed, or loses interest in people and activities
• They may have trouble sleeping or not wanting to go to school.

What can you do to help?

Speak with the child.  Note the below things that may help:

• Don’t respond to and don’t forward cyber bullying messages.
• Keep evidence of cyber bullying. Record the dates, times, and descriptions of instances when cyber bullying has occurred. Save and print screenshots, emails, and text messages. Use this evidence to report cyber bullying to web and mobile phone service providers.
• Block the person who is cyber bullying.

You may need support from school/ college.

You may need to report Cyber bullying to Online Service Providers.  Cyber bullying often violates the terms of service established by social media sites and internet service providers.

You may need to contact the police if it escalates.

When is cyber bullying a crime?

When cyber bullying involves these activities it is considered a crime and should be reported to the police:

• Threats of violence
• Child pornography or sending sexually explicit messages or photos
• Taking a photo or video of someone in a place where he or she would expect privacy
• Stalking and hate crimes

If you believe a child is in immediate danger:

Contact the police on 999 or 101. If the child is not in immediate danger but you are still concerned, or you or someone you know is experiencing bullying, you can contact:

the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000 or by emailing [email protected]

Childline on 0800 1111 or your local child protection services.

Further information:

This brings me onto a very useful resource regarding Cyber bullying, the NSPCC in partnership with 02 have reviewed a number of popular social media and apps which is well worth a read, two which I would like to highlight are:

Wink which is where young people can meet friends online with people they don’t know! this is listed as a high risk for bullying.

YOLO lets users ask questions anonymously about stories posted on snapchat, again this is listed as a high risk to bullying along with HOOP.

About Safe-guarding.co

For more information on how to identify bullying and intervene in schools/ colleges and resources to develop staff knowledge of safeguarding in learning environments, please contact us. For further help and advice click on the Netaware NSPCC link here: Net Aware

With the ongoing concerns about the spread of the Coronavirus (aka COVID-19) we have changed the way we work to ensure that we continue to deliver high quality safeguarding training courses.  Our ethos of “Doing the Right things to Do things Right” is being achieved via our distance learning courses and we offer video conferencing, interactive training and blended learning on a wide range of Safeguarding topics.  To find out more about the services and training courses delivered please visit our services >>  or contact us >>

All children deserve the opportunity to reach their full potential in life.  So how can parents overseas be sure that their children are safe whilst living and being educated in the UK? Fiona Lee, Safe-guarding.co comments.

I’ve been writing and delivering safeguarding courses for many years and I believe that it is vital for parents of international students to understand why independent accredited guardianship is so important to keeping their children safe.

Current UK safeguarding legislation

The UK has some of the best legislation and guidance to safeguard and protect children in the world.  Children need to feel valued and supported by a network of professionals to protect them from harm and help promote their wellbeing. 

I believe that staying healthy, staying safe and receiving good education are key ingredients to help children to reach their full potential.

The majority of UK boarding schools require parents of international students to appoint a UK guardian to accept responsibility for the child and provide a place to live during school holidays or during times of illness.  So how can you as a parent overseas be sure that your child is safe whilst living and being educated in the UK?

There is no legal requirement in the UK for guardianship organisations to be accredited but it is considered best practice.  Sadly, not all independent schools recommend using an accredited guardian, although many schools will comply with the minimum safeguarding standards.  Not all boarding schools with international students are aware of what their students are doing at the weekends and holidays. 

What does it mean to be accredited and why is it important? 

Accreditation is crucial for any organisation in any field.  The stamp of approval from an impartial, external governing body assures that the organisation under scrutiny is doing things properly. 

When parents place their children with an organisation for guardianship and education, it is crucial they have safeguarding policies and procedures in place that are being followed.  This includes having up to date safeguarding training for all staff employed by the organisation.  Unfortunately, individuals who have an unhealthy interest in children will do whatever they can to look for gaps and weaknesses in compliance with legislation and guidance. 

How do you know the organisation is complying with their safeguarding responsibilities? 

Parents need to conduct due diligence and ask who(m) inspects the organisation to ensure the correct steps are being followed to keep children safe.  Any recommendations of the inspection should be taken forward, and this might include ensuring all staff receive up to date safeguarding training.

Independent accredited scrutiny is key to ensuring safeguarding arrangements within the organisation are being met. 

One of the roles of a guardianship company is to ensure the right host family is provided for international students in their care during the times when the students are away from school because of holidays or illness.  This comes with huge responsibility; it is therefore crucial that guardianship companies are independently inspected and accredited.

Many schools insist that an international student has an AEGIS accredited guardian.  AEGIS inspections are led by independent, experienced inspectors who will scrutinise practices, interview staff and students in the care of the guardianship company.  If the guardianship organisation meets the requirements it becomes a fully accredited member of AEGIS and is re-inspected every four years across a thorough accreditation process and assessment framework.

Safeguarding practices

Sadly, in my previous career, when I was the lead investigator for child abuse, I found that in some organisations, safeguarding practices were not always followed correctly.  There are many reasons such as poor or no safeguarding training provided for staff, failing to share information with key safeguarding partners when a concern is recognised, poor safer recruitment processes, and failure to audit processes and implement learning from serious case reviews when children elsewhere in the UK have been seriously harmed due to a failing of one or more organisation.

Parents should ask questions

I believe that parents should challenge independently accredited guardianship companies.  Some of the key questions to ask are to ensure safeguarding policies and procedures are up to date and being followed, that staff are trained to a high standard when it comes to safeguarding, and that safe recruitment of staff within the organisation is robustly adhered to.

There are many other areas that will be scrutinised but to have this independence reassures me, as a safeguarding trainer and consultant, that they are actually doing the right things to safeguard and protect children in their care.

At Safe-guarding.co, we’re delighted to have an ongoing relationship delivering safeguarding training courses to AEGIS UK.  I had the great pleasure quite a few years ago to meet Yasemin Wigglesworth the Executive Officer for AEGIS whilst delivering safeguarding training specific to International Students and firmly believe AEGIS provides a crucial role in providing independent  accredited inspection of guardianship organisations. I know that AEGIS’s goal is to raise awareness of the quality of guardianship organisations and I, as a parent and a professional, would only place my child in the care of a guardianship organisation if they were accredited by AEGIS.

This blog is based on an article written for AEGIS UK available here.

With the ongoing concerns about the spread of the Coronavirus (aka COVID-19) we have changed the way we work to ensure that we continue to deliver high quality safeguarding training courses.  Our ethos of “Doing the Right things to Do things Right” is being achieved via our distance learning courses. We offer video conferencing, interactive training and blended learning on a wide range of Safeguarding topics.  To find out more about the services and training courses delivered please visit our services >>  or contact us >>